Are you aware?

I've been noticing a lot more than usual lately that there are a lot of ungrateful parents out there...

I know, I know... "Really?  Did that just dawn on you?"

No, actually, it didn't.  There are just times in life when things are brought to the forefront of our thoughts and this is one of those times...

I've heard a lot of people complaining about their kids lately.  I've heard terrible stories of how people abuse their kids.  I've heard a lot of people even saying that they don't enjoy having kids or that they aren't sure that they even want their kids.  I wonder to myself, "Do they hear themselves?  I wonder if they comprehend the power of the statements they are making..."

I also think to myself, "I'd trade places in a heartbeat."

Now, I need you to understand that I am content with my life right now.  I am so blessed and my basic needs are taken care of.  I really have nothing to complain about.

However, when I hear you say those things... well,

this is what is happening in my heart... 

I want to be a mother.

I'd give anything to be a mother.

I will take your "brats" and raise them.

I will gladly trade you for the morning sickness and the weight gain.

I will open up my home to your child so that they feel loved and safe.

You are so blessed and you don't even see it!

God, open their eyes!

That is how I feel.  I've sat silently, mostly due to the fact that I don't know what to say to these people.  They've made me speechless.  They are blessed beyond measure and it still isn't enough for them.  They hate the things that God has given them!  How selfish!  How foolish!  Why?!?!

If you find yourself making some of these statements, please think about what you are really saying.  And if you really feel that way, realize that there are women in your life that remain silent most of the time because they don't know what to say to you.  Some have tried for years to be mothers... and some never will be...  You aren't the only person in your world.  There are people around you that are deeply impacted by the way you live your life and the things that you say.  Please be aware of that.

Glad I stuck around...

On Sunday, I got the privilege of filling in on the PLC Waterloo team.  I hadn't been there yet and didn't quite know what to expect.  I got there bright and early at 6 a.m. and got to see the whole thing unfold.  If you haven't witnessed the brilliance of Portable Church Industries, you are missing out.  Hoover took on a transformation that was quick and well executed within a couple of hours.

Anyway, after everything was all set up, we rehearsed the music a few times, then got set for run-thru.  After we finished with the worship set, we were talking about how to do the transition from the video that they were going to show into what Ron was going to say.  Jon said to me, "This video will make you cry."  I figured that it'd be good for me to watch it so that I wasn't blindsided by it during the service.

Normally, when someone tells me that a video will make me cry, I get a little misty.  I think there is something about not completely relating to someone's life experience but feeling empathy for them instead.  Most people feel empathy when they watch the news or see horrific things unfold that do not directly effect them.  Now, there are other times when even a tiny slice of someone's story can make an old wound fresh in your heart again and bring you back to the fresh emotions you experienced when you first received that wound.

As I watched the video "99 Balloons" this happened to me.  I tried to keep it in, keep composed, not make a big deal out of it... but as I continued to watch, my bottom lip started to quiver and I couldn't hold the tears back any longer.  I felt so bad for the family.  I do not know what it is like to carry a child to full term and give birth, but I do know what it is like to be pregnant and be excited for the arrival of a child.  After many months of treatments and heartache, we finally were pregnant and everything seemed to be going well, then we were immediately dealing with a miscarriage.  In this case I could sympathize more than empathize.  Losing a child is terrible, no matter what stage they are in.

When the video was over, I went outside to cry it out.  I was starting to wonder if I would be a help or a distraction at the end of the service.  I wanted to do what they needed me to do, but I didn't know if I could watch that video again.  I went back and forth and back and forth and the Spirit whispered to me, "I'll use you in that moment.  Be obedient."  Then it hit me, if I fold to what I am feeling, I am surrendering to my own comfort.  I am not thinking of anyone else but myself.

Believe it or not, this is honestly the first time I've ever had to deal with that in the context of leading worship/being involved on a worship team.  I've lead worship when things around me were completely falling apart, but I've never had to lead in a moment when I felt like I was breaking on the inside.  Even when we went through the miscarriage, I took 3 or 4 weeks off and let someone else lead.  Sure, I was sad and aching after that, but the pain was no longer fresh and I had time to deal with it by the time I returned to leading.

So... the worship set went really well.  And the message was great.  Then, came time for the video.  I had been praying through most of the message that God would take this burden from me and if not, that He would allow me to lean on Him to get through the video and the last part of the service.  Leaning... leaning... leaning... God I am leaning on You!  That was pretty much my thought process as we stood backstage, ready to wrap up the service.

The video was almost finished... leaning... I plugged into my aviom... leaning... the video was concluding... Lord, help me get through this... we started to play... God, be glorified in this moment... Ron challenged people to ask, "God, why did this happen to me?"... God, touch people's hearts, let them be open to You.  Let them be brutally honest... Ron prayed... God let people have no fear about coming forward.  Move mightily through these people...

And then it happened, people that I knew needed Jesus or needed healing started to come forward and place their questions on the board.  Some that I never thought I'd see up front for any purpose.  I started to get teary again, but this time it was because God was working in that moment.

I'm so glad I stuck around.

Thank you God for using me in my weakness.

In Elizabeth's shoes...

Lately, I've been holding onto something.  It hasn't been our ministry situation... I'm totally happy with where God has placed us (I'm actually more than happy about how He is allowing us to serve).  It hasn't been finances, although at times money is really tight.  It hasn't been my job situation... God has provided the perfect job opportunity for this time in my life.  I have already freely given all of those things up to Him.  I wasn't holding on to any of them and totally trusting that He had it under control.

You know how you can be gripping onto something and it takes someone else bringing it to your attention for you to let go (or start to)?  I didn't realize until today that I had some unfinished business with God...

John Fuller spoke this morning on "Waiting When God Seems Silent."  Later on this week, please go to http://www.prairielakeschurch.org/media-center/default.aspx and listen to the message (it is usually posted mid-week).  It is worth your time, without a doubt.

John spoke on the story of Zechariah and Elizabeth in Luke 1.  As he spoke, he made several good points that I agreed with.  They were...
1-God does not believe in coincidences.
2-God is not compelled to be on our timetable.
3-God does not play cruel games with people.
4-God isn't controlled by my behavior. (I added this one because I thought it was important.)

He also talked about why we can have trouble hearing God, which I totally understood and was on the same page with.  He reminded us that sometimes unconfessed sin, wrong motives, or just being self-centered can make it difficult to hear from Him.

Then, he made some points about waiting well.  That's when it hit me between the eyes.
1-Don't let "the wait" become God.
2-See beyond "my story" and see our place in His story.
3-Sacrifice my dreams for God's dreams.
4-Keep praying and stay faithful.

It's been awhile now, but at one point we let "the wait" become God.  We were obsessed with ovulation calendars, LH tests, basal temps, fertility drugs.  Our schedule was dictated by trying to get pregnant.  After several fertility treatments and a miscarriage later, we realized how much our lives had been consumed by wanting a baby so badly.  We had lost touch with friends, each other, and most importantly--our God!  That's when we felt God calling us to renew our commitment to Him and let go of all of the baby drama.  By doing that, we also renewed our commitment to each other and our marriage has been so much healthier ever since.

When John got to #3 above, it really hit me hard--sacrifice my dreams for God's dreams.  We love our lives right now.  We are loving where God has placed us and where He is taking us, but I have been holding onto this "want" of having a child.  It hasn't consumed our lives, but I realized today that I've been holding this grudge against God.  I've been struggling with His plan for me.  There are days when I feel like I'm totally okay with it and then there are days that I just hang on to it too tightly.  I struggle because I am reminded of it daily.  Having kids is just a normal part of the conversation.

Are you married?  How long have you been married?  When are you having kids?  Oh, you can't have kids?  Have you tried x, y, or z fertility treatments?  My friend tried this, you should try this.  Why isn't it working for you?  What's wrong with you?  Is it you or him that is the problem?  Would you ever adopt?  When will you adopt?  What kind of adoption do you want to have?

During these conversations, it is really easy to throw a pity party for myself or even get mad at God.  I also work at a daycare and see several kids that need good parents.  In those situations, I am reminded of how things don't always seem fair.  Today, I was reminded that even though God seems silent to me in this situation, that He hears my prayers.

Luke 1:13a--But the angel said to him: "Do not be afraid, Zechariah; your prayer has been heard..."

This verse reminds me that Zechariah and Elizabeth had to wait a LONG time.  Much longer than I have even had to wait.  Having a son didn't fit into their timetable the way that they had imagined.  Years had passed, they had given up hope of having a child because they were old.  God remembered their prayers and knew their hearts and gave them a son on His timetable.  How awesome is it that the God of the universe takes the time to hear our prayers... even from years ago?!


Through this message today, God is challenging me to wait well.  He has helped me to wait well through a lot of other major life changes recently.  I have to let this go and give it up to Him, too.  I have to wait well in this situation--with His help and in His time.  I have to trust that His plan is sovereign over all of my hopes and dreams and plans.  I also have to remember what His plan is and that it is all about what He is doing with me for His glory!

Romans 8:28--And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

This verse brings me hope and encouragement.  I am encouraged that when God works in His time and according to His plan, my circumstances are what is best for me.  That doesn't mean that they are easy or great, but that means that He will use them for good.  I just need to be on board and listen for Him to speak... and listen for Him to tell me what is next.

I need to wait well, like Elizabeth.