On Sunday, I got the privilege of filling in on the PLC Waterloo team. I hadn't been there yet and didn't quite know what to expect. I got there bright and early at 6 a.m. and got to see the whole thing unfold. If you haven't witnessed the brilliance of Portable Church Industries, you are missing out. Hoover took on a transformation that was quick and well executed within a couple of hours.
Anyway, after everything was all set up, we rehearsed the music a few times, then got set for run-thru. After we finished with the worship set, we were talking about how to do the transition from the video that they were going to show into what Ron was going to say. Jon said to me, "This video will make you cry." I figured that it'd be good for me to watch it so that I wasn't blindsided by it during the service.
Normally, when someone tells me that a video will make me cry, I get a little misty. I think there is something about not completely relating to someone's life experience but feeling empathy for them instead. Most people feel empathy when they watch the news or see horrific things unfold that do not directly effect them. Now, there are other times when even a tiny slice of someone's story can make an old wound fresh in your heart again and bring you back to the fresh emotions you experienced when you first received that wound.
As I watched the video "99 Balloons" this happened to me. I tried to keep it in, keep composed, not make a big deal out of it... but as I continued to watch, my bottom lip started to quiver and I couldn't hold the tears back any longer. I felt so bad for the family. I do not know what it is like to carry a child to full term and give birth, but I do know what it is like to be pregnant and be excited for the arrival of a child. After many months of treatments and heartache, we finally were pregnant and everything seemed to be going well, then we were immediately dealing with a miscarriage. In this case I could sympathize more than empathize. Losing a child is terrible, no matter what stage they are in.
When the video was over, I went outside to cry it out. I was starting to wonder if I would be a help or a distraction at the end of the service. I wanted to do what they needed me to do, but I didn't know if I could watch that video again. I went back and forth and back and forth and the Spirit whispered to me, "I'll use you in that moment. Be obedient." Then it hit me, if I fold to what I am feeling, I am surrendering to my own comfort. I am not thinking of anyone else but myself.
Believe it or not, this is honestly the first time I've ever had to deal with that in the context of leading worship/being involved on a worship team. I've lead worship when things around me were completely falling apart, but I've never had to lead in a moment when I felt like I was breaking on the inside. Even when we went through the miscarriage, I took 3 or 4 weeks off and let someone else lead. Sure, I was sad and aching after that, but the pain was no longer fresh and I had time to deal with it by the time I returned to leading.
So... the worship set went really well. And the message was great. Then, came time for the video. I had been praying through most of the message that God would take this burden from me and if not, that He would allow me to lean on Him to get through the video and the last part of the service. Leaning... leaning... leaning... God I am leaning on You! That was pretty much my thought process as we stood backstage, ready to wrap up the service.
The video was almost finished... leaning... I plugged into my aviom... leaning... the video was concluding... Lord, help me get through this... we started to play... God, be glorified in this moment... Ron challenged people to ask, "God, why did this happen to me?"... God, touch people's hearts, let them be open to You. Let them be brutally honest... Ron prayed... God let people have no fear about coming forward. Move mightily through these people...
And then it happened, people that I knew needed Jesus or needed healing started to come forward and place their questions on the board. Some that I never thought I'd see up front for any purpose. I started to get teary again, but this time it was because God was working in that moment.
I'm so glad I stuck around.
Thank you God for using me in my weakness.
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