Sometimes I wonder...

We attended a wedding awhile back that made me wonder a few things about people that call themselves pastors.  I know, huge can of worms, here we go...

Throughout the course of the weekend, Austin and I observed many men, fresh out of seminary that were doing "godly" things.  They were talking the talk, they were dressing the part, but that was about it.  As the weekend charged on, we found ourselves in the midst of conversations with these men, conversations that made us sick to our stomachs.  They were talking about how they took advantage of families during their internships.  They would visit an elderly couples' home to bring them communion and pray for them, but they would plan it around the time that the couple would probably be having supper, so that they got a free meal.  They continued to list other ways in which they took advantage of the congregations that they were serving while in seminary.

They all had acquired their own congregations a short time before the wedding, and they were complaining about how people would call them by their first name, instead of attaching the title "pastor" to it.  They ranted and raved about why people refused to call them Pastor or still thought they were seminary students.  They went on and on about how they were important and deserved great respect.

The night got even more interesting when the beer was in full swing.  I have no qualms about having a drink here and there.  I do, however, have a more difficult time having a drink when their are children present and I do have a huge problem with adults being drunk, especially in front of kids.  Well, at this wedding reception, these pastors proceeded to get sloshed.  One of them got a child to be his own personal bartender.  The kid was probably only 7 years old at the very most, but he would take the empty cup of the pastor and fill it to the top... until it was empty, then he'd do it again.  This particular child had a lisp and had a very hard time saying certain words.  The young pastors got him to repeat words after them that he was having trouble saying, over and over.  I remembered looking to Austin and saying out loud,"This is so terrible.  This child will remember this forever, while these drunk idiots won't remember this tomorrow."  We got up and went to another part of the reception hall and left shortly after the incident because we no longer wanted to be associated with that kind of behavior.

Since then, I've looked back on that situation quite a few times, and I can't shake it.  I can't shake the hurt that the poor little boy had on his face.  I can't shake the image of these men, these men who are leaders of their own congregations.  These men are responsible for hundreds, maybe thousands of people that may or may not be going to hell.  These men are responsible to the Gospel.  These men are most of all responsible to God.

As hard as it was to watch, I sometimes wonder what my life is saying to other people.  I may not go around and get sloshed and disrespect the name of Jesus in such a blatant way, but what am I doing that I need to stop today?  Are my actions getting in the way of the Jesus people should see in me?  Are my words representing a different kind of god?  Am I holding on to things that are causing others to stumble, especially those who look to me for guidance?

Search me, God, and know my heart;

test me and know my anxious thoughts.

See if there is any offensive way in me,

and lead me in the way everlasting.

Psalm 139:23-24

My prayer today is:  if you are struggling with something that is causing others to stumble, that you'll take some time to confess it to God in this moment.  You may not think that there is something as disgraceful as what these men did that night, but if we are all honest with ourselves, we may discover that we are in worse shape.

God forgive me for causing others to stumble.  Order my steps in Your Word, Lord.  Guide me so that I may guide others.  Forgive me, so that I may forgive others.  Live in me, so that I may live for You.

Something Greater

How do you know what's going on with me?
You point fingers, you shout at me
Without foundation,
Without knowledge.

How do you know what's going on inside?
You have no clue, you're filled with pride.
Hard to take with salt.
Of course, it's not your fault.

How do you claim to know me?
When you are too busy, too busy to see
How I'm living.
How I'm giving my life--to something Greater.

To Someone greater, to something bigger,
To something that we can't begin
To figure out within our human doubt.

To Someone gentle, to something larger,
To something that is taking over me.
Is He taking over you?
Are you allowing Him to?

He is taking over me, is He taking over you?
He is digging deep in me, is He digging deep in you?

I want to live for Someone greater, for something bigger,
For something that we can't begin
To figure out within our human doubt.

For Someone gentle, for something larger,
For something that is taking over me.

Is He taking over you?
Are you allowing Him to?

God is still good.

If you know me, you know that I'll give you an honest answer when you ask how I am doing.  Not just a quick short answer most of the time, but a brutal, honest answer.  Sometimes I wonder if you really want to know, but I answer anyway.  If you are reading this, you may have picked up over the last couple of months that my job has been tough.  I've been thrown under the bus a few times.  I haven't been supported for success by the administration.  It's just been a bad situation all around.  If you know me, you also may know that I don't quit, EVER unless I have something else lined up.  I tend to like to know what is coming next.  I plan my life out to the last detail.  I like to be in control.  I like to be responsible.

When things are out of control, it's really easy to doubt what God is doing.  Come on, you know what I'm talking about.  Let's not pretend.  It's really easy to praise God when things rock and you can't imagine being happier.  It's really difficult sometimes to just trust that everything is really going to be okay when things are really bad.

So, I quit my job today.  Yes, I quit.  I can't hardly believe it now... but I quit.  I did it.  It is weird.  Anyway, I also cried a lot today.  Partly because some things that are going on at work are really unfair.  I might be dealing with some legal issues in the near future which makes things a little scary.  I also cried because I'm going to miss the kids.  Most of the crying was because I was really uncertain with what was going to happen next.

Then, I had a moment when I thought to myself, "Hey, crybaby, stop it!  Listen, God has always provided for you in the past, right?  Why are you crying?"  I realized at that moment that I needed to cut it out.  I know that realistically, I'll probably cry some more when I say my goodbyes to the kids on Wednesday and I'll cry out of frustration with the whole mess, but I won't cry anymore about whether or not we are going to be taken care of.  Not an option.  It's off the table.

I can look back and reflect on the past and see so many places where God has provided for me when I didn't know where the next provision would come from.  When I started living on my own, God provided a place for me to stay.  When I didn't always have enough money for groceries, a meal would practically fall out of the sky.  When we wanted (not needed) to buy a house, we walked right into a super steal.  When we left a ministry that was very near and dear to us, but painful at the same time, He gave us a new church family to do life with.  At the time, He also gave me a full-time job that seemed to just fall into my lap.  When Austin's car kicked the bucket, He provided a nicer car than we were looking for within our price range.

I am choosing to look ahead and focus on what is true and what is real.  God is real.  God is good.  He will always be good even if things around me are not.  He will always have a plan even if the next steps are invisible to me.  My prayer is that I'll see the unseen more clearly and that through my life others will see that God is still good no matter how bad things are.

Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.--James 1:17

My life will change, my circumstances will change, but God never changes.  He is always the same and I can count on Him to provide for me as I need it.  His desires for my life are perfect.

 God is still good, even in the midst of the tears.

Glad I stuck around...

On Sunday, I got the privilege of filling in on the PLC Waterloo team.  I hadn't been there yet and didn't quite know what to expect.  I got there bright and early at 6 a.m. and got to see the whole thing unfold.  If you haven't witnessed the brilliance of Portable Church Industries, you are missing out.  Hoover took on a transformation that was quick and well executed within a couple of hours.

Anyway, after everything was all set up, we rehearsed the music a few times, then got set for run-thru.  After we finished with the worship set, we were talking about how to do the transition from the video that they were going to show into what Ron was going to say.  Jon said to me, "This video will make you cry."  I figured that it'd be good for me to watch it so that I wasn't blindsided by it during the service.

Normally, when someone tells me that a video will make me cry, I get a little misty.  I think there is something about not completely relating to someone's life experience but feeling empathy for them instead.  Most people feel empathy when they watch the news or see horrific things unfold that do not directly effect them.  Now, there are other times when even a tiny slice of someone's story can make an old wound fresh in your heart again and bring you back to the fresh emotions you experienced when you first received that wound.

As I watched the video "99 Balloons" this happened to me.  I tried to keep it in, keep composed, not make a big deal out of it... but as I continued to watch, my bottom lip started to quiver and I couldn't hold the tears back any longer.  I felt so bad for the family.  I do not know what it is like to carry a child to full term and give birth, but I do know what it is like to be pregnant and be excited for the arrival of a child.  After many months of treatments and heartache, we finally were pregnant and everything seemed to be going well, then we were immediately dealing with a miscarriage.  In this case I could sympathize more than empathize.  Losing a child is terrible, no matter what stage they are in.

When the video was over, I went outside to cry it out.  I was starting to wonder if I would be a help or a distraction at the end of the service.  I wanted to do what they needed me to do, but I didn't know if I could watch that video again.  I went back and forth and back and forth and the Spirit whispered to me, "I'll use you in that moment.  Be obedient."  Then it hit me, if I fold to what I am feeling, I am surrendering to my own comfort.  I am not thinking of anyone else but myself.

Believe it or not, this is honestly the first time I've ever had to deal with that in the context of leading worship/being involved on a worship team.  I've lead worship when things around me were completely falling apart, but I've never had to lead in a moment when I felt like I was breaking on the inside.  Even when we went through the miscarriage, I took 3 or 4 weeks off and let someone else lead.  Sure, I was sad and aching after that, but the pain was no longer fresh and I had time to deal with it by the time I returned to leading.

So... the worship set went really well.  And the message was great.  Then, came time for the video.  I had been praying through most of the message that God would take this burden from me and if not, that He would allow me to lean on Him to get through the video and the last part of the service.  Leaning... leaning... leaning... God I am leaning on You!  That was pretty much my thought process as we stood backstage, ready to wrap up the service.

The video was almost finished... leaning... I plugged into my aviom... leaning... the video was concluding... Lord, help me get through this... we started to play... God, be glorified in this moment... Ron challenged people to ask, "God, why did this happen to me?"... God, touch people's hearts, let them be open to You.  Let them be brutally honest... Ron prayed... God let people have no fear about coming forward.  Move mightily through these people...

And then it happened, people that I knew needed Jesus or needed healing started to come forward and place their questions on the board.  Some that I never thought I'd see up front for any purpose.  I started to get teary again, but this time it was because God was working in that moment.

I'm so glad I stuck around.

Thank you God for using me in my weakness.

What I got from my Facebook fast...

I decided to fast from Facebook for approximately 10 days. I am a definite Facebook addict and was convicted that I needed to take a break in order to prepare myself for Easter weekend. Briefly, this is a summary of what I got from it...

My prayer life increased and was more focused... I started praying more often. I thought that I prayed a lot throughout the day before, but during this time, I was in much more conversation with God than I have been for awhile. God also started bringing specific individuals to my mind to pray for... people I wouldn't have normally thought to pray for.

I walked around with the blinders off... As I drove or went to get groceries or just carried out my daily activities, I was more aware of strangers and what kind of day they might be having. I struck up more random conversations with people than normal. I sensed when people needed me to pray for them, even though I didn't know them.

I thought more about the lost... I wondered more about whether people were going to heaven or not. I found myself, sitting at a red light, watching cars drive by in the cross-traffic, looking at their faces and wondering if they knew Jesus.  I wondered about the guy who walks his dog in front of our house around 4 p.m. every day.  I wondered about the mailman.  I wondered about some of my neighbors, who I've only had a few short conversations with.

I could think more clearly... as I backed away from Facebook and some media type things that distract me, I felt like a cloud had been lifted from my head. I found myself pondering what God is doing with my life more than usual. I could also hear Him more clearly.

I was more sensitive to the Spirit... I could hear the Spirit "whisper" to me much more clearly than before. He also whispered more often.

I was able to be part of something much greater than myself... when Easter weekend rolled around, I was ready to hear from God and be used by Him!  It started off with an amazing night of worship and reflection on the cross at the Good Friday service.  God showed up big time.  The Spirit ambushed us!  The momentum didn't quit.  God continued to move and change people throughout the services on Saturday and Sunday.  As I look back on it all, I am still in awe and definitely humbled to know that He chose me to be a part of it.  He didn't have to choose me.  He didn't need me, but He used me anyway!

I have fasted before, and experienced a greater closeness with God, but never have I seen Him move in the way He did this weekend!  Amazing!

Let the King of Glory enter in.

I go through phases when I lean toward a particular worship tune over another.  It usually depends on where I am at in my life and in my walk.  Lately, this song has been in my head and heart on a daily basis.  After finding a new church home, God has been reshaping us and refining us.

As we have been attending PLC, we've watched how God has placed this massive vision--to reach Iowa for Him--on the shoulders of our pastor and the leaders there.  As the vision has unfolded, we've felt like we've become part of a surreal story that is of Biblical proportions.  There are people that are coming out of the woodwork that are ready to be a part of it.  God is providing in ways that cause us to be speechless.  It's really hard to put it all into words.  The whole thing is extraordinary!

We have been wrapping our minds around this for a few months or so now.  During the time of transitioning from one place to another, this song (lyrics below) was on my playlist, but I listened to it with different "eyes."  I listened to it through eyes of hurt and of fighting through piles and piles of emotional baggage.

One day, Austin came home from working-out and went to take a shower.  He likes to sing in the shower and he started singing this song--Prepare the Way.  I realized that I hadn't listened to that song since that whole time of drama.  As I was cooking supper, I started singing with him (I don't think he realized this).  I decided to play the actual mp3 that we had on iTunes and just sat and started to cry.  As I listened to the lyrics again, it took on new meaning.  I realized that I had a new perspective to listen to it with.

I began to feel overwhelmingly proud and privileged to be part of this big story.  We are called to prepare the way for Him--whether it is preparing our friends to hear a clear message by living before them and inviting them to church... or stepping out of our comfort zones to serve... or even dusting off our hearts and breaking down walls that have stood between us and Him for ages and saying, "Use me.  I'm ready to let You in again."

If you are reading this and you have struggled with past hurt, I would encourage you to reflect on this lyric:

Let the King of Glory enter in

He can heal you.  He can take that pain from you.  And most of all, when you let Him take it all on for you, He can use you to prepare the way for Him in your life and in the lives of those around you.

Prepare The Way

© 2004 Vertical Worship Songs

Jared Anderson

Prepare the way

Make straight the path for Him

Let the King of Glory enter in

Let the King of Glory enter in

Who is this King of Glory

The Lord strong and mighty

The Lord mighty to save

The earth is full of His glory

Creation calls prepare the way

His love endureth forever

His power is without an end

His strength is victory's treasure

Let all who call His name prepare the way

Let the King of Glory enter in

Let the King of Glory enter in

Let the King of Glory enter in

Let the King of Glory enter in

Who is this King of Glory

In Elizabeth's shoes...

Lately, I've been holding onto something.  It hasn't been our ministry situation... I'm totally happy with where God has placed us (I'm actually more than happy about how He is allowing us to serve).  It hasn't been finances, although at times money is really tight.  It hasn't been my job situation... God has provided the perfect job opportunity for this time in my life.  I have already freely given all of those things up to Him.  I wasn't holding on to any of them and totally trusting that He had it under control.

You know how you can be gripping onto something and it takes someone else bringing it to your attention for you to let go (or start to)?  I didn't realize until today that I had some unfinished business with God...

John Fuller spoke this morning on "Waiting When God Seems Silent."  Later on this week, please go to http://www.prairielakeschurch.org/media-center/default.aspx and listen to the message (it is usually posted mid-week).  It is worth your time, without a doubt.

John spoke on the story of Zechariah and Elizabeth in Luke 1.  As he spoke, he made several good points that I agreed with.  They were...
1-God does not believe in coincidences.
2-God is not compelled to be on our timetable.
3-God does not play cruel games with people.
4-God isn't controlled by my behavior. (I added this one because I thought it was important.)

He also talked about why we can have trouble hearing God, which I totally understood and was on the same page with.  He reminded us that sometimes unconfessed sin, wrong motives, or just being self-centered can make it difficult to hear from Him.

Then, he made some points about waiting well.  That's when it hit me between the eyes.
1-Don't let "the wait" become God.
2-See beyond "my story" and see our place in His story.
3-Sacrifice my dreams for God's dreams.
4-Keep praying and stay faithful.

It's been awhile now, but at one point we let "the wait" become God.  We were obsessed with ovulation calendars, LH tests, basal temps, fertility drugs.  Our schedule was dictated by trying to get pregnant.  After several fertility treatments and a miscarriage later, we realized how much our lives had been consumed by wanting a baby so badly.  We had lost touch with friends, each other, and most importantly--our God!  That's when we felt God calling us to renew our commitment to Him and let go of all of the baby drama.  By doing that, we also renewed our commitment to each other and our marriage has been so much healthier ever since.

When John got to #3 above, it really hit me hard--sacrifice my dreams for God's dreams.  We love our lives right now.  We are loving where God has placed us and where He is taking us, but I have been holding onto this "want" of having a child.  It hasn't consumed our lives, but I realized today that I've been holding this grudge against God.  I've been struggling with His plan for me.  There are days when I feel like I'm totally okay with it and then there are days that I just hang on to it too tightly.  I struggle because I am reminded of it daily.  Having kids is just a normal part of the conversation.

Are you married?  How long have you been married?  When are you having kids?  Oh, you can't have kids?  Have you tried x, y, or z fertility treatments?  My friend tried this, you should try this.  Why isn't it working for you?  What's wrong with you?  Is it you or him that is the problem?  Would you ever adopt?  When will you adopt?  What kind of adoption do you want to have?

During these conversations, it is really easy to throw a pity party for myself or even get mad at God.  I also work at a daycare and see several kids that need good parents.  In those situations, I am reminded of how things don't always seem fair.  Today, I was reminded that even though God seems silent to me in this situation, that He hears my prayers.

Luke 1:13a--But the angel said to him: "Do not be afraid, Zechariah; your prayer has been heard..."

This verse reminds me that Zechariah and Elizabeth had to wait a LONG time.  Much longer than I have even had to wait.  Having a son didn't fit into their timetable the way that they had imagined.  Years had passed, they had given up hope of having a child because they were old.  God remembered their prayers and knew their hearts and gave them a son on His timetable.  How awesome is it that the God of the universe takes the time to hear our prayers... even from years ago?!


Through this message today, God is challenging me to wait well.  He has helped me to wait well through a lot of other major life changes recently.  I have to let this go and give it up to Him, too.  I have to wait well in this situation--with His help and in His time.  I have to trust that His plan is sovereign over all of my hopes and dreams and plans.  I also have to remember what His plan is and that it is all about what He is doing with me for His glory!

Romans 8:28--And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

This verse brings me hope and encouragement.  I am encouraged that when God works in His time and according to His plan, my circumstances are what is best for me.  That doesn't mean that they are easy or great, but that means that He will use them for good.  I just need to be on board and listen for Him to speak... and listen for Him to tell me what is next.

I need to wait well, like Elizabeth.

At some point we realized the immensity of God...

Lately, I've been wrestling something... I've been looking for the words that aren't there.  I open my mouth and I feel like nothing intelligent comes out.  If you know anything about my recent experience, you may find yourself in the same situation, if you were in my shoes.  It is hard to simply answer the question: "Why did you leave the church you were serving at?"  There are a lot of layers to the situation.  Sometimes I just tell people that it was messy and we needed to leave.  I'll tell others that there were major sin issues and the leadership was allowing it to continue.  I've also said that the vision that God gave us (my husband and I) for ministry didn't match the vision of the church leaders.  All of those things are true, but my husband recently ran across an excerpt from the book The Contemplative Pastor by Eugene Peterson that describes it better than I ever could.

Being a pastor who satisfies a congregation is one of the easiest jobs on the face of the earth--if we are satisfied with satisfying congregations. The hours are good, the pay is adequate, the prestige considerable. Why don't we find it easy? Why aren't we content with it?

Because we set out to do something quite different. We set out to risk our lives in a venture of faith. We committed ourselves to a life of holiness. At some point we realized the immensity of God and of the great invisibles that socket into our arms and legs, into bread and wine, into our brains and our tools, into mountains and rivers, giving them meaning, destiny, value, joy, beauty, salvation.

You see, I could have easily continued to be the worship director.  I could have gone around and asked, "What do you prefer?  How can I make you comfortable?  What do you want to hear on a Sunday morning?"  Instead, the vision that God gave us for ministry was so much bigger than ourselves.  It was bigger than our wants, needs, or even our preferences.  It was bigger than all of our opinions combined.

It was bigger because it was all about Him.  Our vision for ministry was all about what God wanted.  We asked God what was on His heart and He started to tell us.  He wanted true, genuine worship.  He wanted all of us, not just the pieces that we were willing to give up when it fit into our schedule.  He wanted excellence.  He wanted uninhibited worship--not worship that was designed to impress or fit the latest mold that we placed around it.  He wanted His Spirit to be free to work in us.  He wanted us to label our lives with Him.  He wanted us to live our lives as worship to Him.  He wanted us to bring the lost home.

As we began to receive this vision, we began to get excited.  We began to envision how our church would display it.  We also began to hit a solid wall when we presented it to the leadership.  We knew that our hearts were beating evenly with the Lord's, but when we talked to others about our vision, it was like many of them were flat-lining.  If they weren't completely unaware of the work that God was doing, they were too afraid to go against the tide.  We told more and more people about the vision and more and more people stared at us blankly.  More and more people kept saying, "Well that's not how we've ever done it... Our church will never go for anything like that."  Every excuse that we got was laced with fear of the past or fear of a certain group of people or fear of the unknown.

After much fear, excuse, ongoing sin issues, gossip, slander, and dead-in-the-water leadership, we were finally released from that ministry.  There was a definite day when we felt like the Lord released us from this prison.  We had been fighting it for months.  We had been praying and expectantly waiting for the "go ahead," while we continued to serve as if we were never planning on leaving.  Our hearts continue to ache for those people, but God has released us into a place that is walking in step with His vision.

When it really comes down to it, whether you are volunteering or on staff in any ministry, you need to make a choice.  Do you want to serve God's purposes or man's purposes?  The rewards are much different for each choice.  If you choose to serve the praise of man, the approval, the adoration, the popularity, the title... your reward is temporary.  It will waste away.  If you choose to serve the heart of the Father, the leading of the Spirit, the example of Jesus, a life that actually matters past this earth... your reward is eternal.  It lasts forever.  It will never perish or waste away.

I truly believe that each leader, follower, disciple of Christ needs to make the choice.  Whose opinion matters in your life?  Whose desires are you seeking?  Whose purpose will you serve?

It's a big decision.  If you make the right choice, it will cost you something... but what you give up will be totally worth it.