Who is making your list?

This is the rough draft I sent in for the Inspired booklet for the May meeting of worship and production volunteers at PLC... We are reading Heart of the Artist by Rory Noland and will be discussing the chapter on jealousy and envy.

Has anyone ever quoted Psalm 37:4 to you when things weren't exactly going your way? 

Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.

Instantly, you wonder, “Is this person accusing me of not spending time with the Lord?  How do they know what is going on with me?  How dare them!”  Then, the I-deserve-it's kick in... “I work hard, I've practiced, I spend more time preparing than anyone else, I want it more, I, I, I...” and the list goes on and on.  Then, you just want to punch that person in the teeth for being so helpful.

Let me tell you about a time when this happened to me.

Many of you probably don't know this about Austin and me, but we are unable to have kids without a ton of medical intervention.  It has taken us on quite the emotional rollercoaster throughout our marriage.  A few years ago, after several failed treatments, we had a successful pregnancy for about 10 weeks.  Then, it was over.

To say it was difficult, is an understatement.  We deeply desired to be parents.  We really wanted to be able to hold a healthy child that was ours.  We didn't want to go through any more treatments.  We were so ready to have a family!  At times, I think it is fair to say that we reasoned that we deserved to be parents.  Out of that reasoning, it was so easy to jump to the conclusion that it was God's will for us, when in reality, it wasn't.

During that time, someone quoted Psalm 37:4 to me and it made me feel so inadequate and small.  It did this because of the way it was said to me and it seems like no one ever remembers or mentions verse 5 (NLT) in that passage:

Commit everything you do to the Lord.  Trust him, and he will help you.

The desire verse 4 talks about is not our desire, but God's desire for our lives.  If we lose sight of what God desires for us, sometimes we reason that we are entitled to certain things.  We even go as far as to say that we believe that it is God's will for us, when deep down inside, it's really what we want for ourselves, despite His plan.

When we start thinking like this, it can be dangerous.  We can start to envy what someone else has and our vision for God's plan starts to become cloudy until we are completely ineffective in the Kingdom.

After we mourned, we made an intentional effort to spend time with young children in the church we were attending.  We let a couple go on a trip for the weekend, by watching their two youngsters.  We had a 2 year old join us for lunch one day so that his mom could have a much needed nap.  We loved on kids that had stressed out parents that needed a break.  We entertained two middle school kids for an evening so that their dad, who was home on military leave, could have a romantic date with their mom.  Why am I telling you all of these things?

When we were not getting what we desired, we were tempted to throw a pity party for ourselves and wallow in the thought that God wasn't giving us what we wanted.  It seemed like everyone else had kids and we could have envied them and allowed it to consume us.  Instead, we acted in a way that reflected God's desire.  We were able to show love to children that needed it and our hearts were so full in return.  If we would have kept looking inward at our hurt instead of outward to His plan, we would have missed these opportunities to minister to these kids.

When you stop envying what other people have and start looking at what God wants for you, your heart will always be full and your focus will always be in the right place.

If you are struggling with envy in the area of serving in the worship ministry, I encourage you to take some time to ask God what He wants for you.  Put your list of wants aside and ask Him to make you a new one, a better one.

Turkey Sandwich from Heaven

Here's another recipe that caused Austin to say, "You've really outdone yourself, babe!"

Enjoy!

Turkey Apple Sandwich (Open Face)

Kimberly Murray

*The measurements below are merely estimates, as I rarely use a recipe or measure anything while cooking.

Meat Mixture:

1 lb. ground white turkey

1/3 large white onion

2 cups finely chopped spinach

¼ teaspoon minced garlic

1 large farm fresh egg

1 ½ tablespoons smoked paprika

1 teaspoon ground pepper

3 tablespoons western dressing

10-12 drops frank’s red hot sauce

Vinaigrette:

extra virgin olive oil

raspberry vinegar

Sandwich:

whole wheat bread

apple butter

Colby jack cheese

Instructions:

Heat a large grill pan (or frying pan) on low with EVOO, slowly increasing the heat as you continue preparing the ingredients.

Mix all ingredients of meat mixture with hands in a medium mixing bowl.

Form mixture into small patties and set aside.

Add amount of raspberry vinegar as desired to the warm pan.  Do not overheat oil, as this will cause a fire when mixed with the vinegar.  Allow the mixture to simmer a few minutes before placing patties onto the grill pan.

While the patties are on the grill pan, prepare the bread.  Spread a thin layer of apple butter on each piece of bread.  Place thin slices of Colby jack cheese on top of the apple butter layer.  Set pieces aside until turkey patties are thoroughly cooked.

Place hot turkey patties directly on the bread, cheese, and apple butter.  Allow the turkey to melt the cheese before eating.

Green veggies are a great side for this dish.

Chicken Soup of Deliciousness

I love to cook.  I love eating food, I love thinking about new recipes, I love trying to recreate things that I've eaten in restaurants.  My husband loves it, I love it, however, I never write anything down.  Ever.  I always make something delicious, ask Austin what he thinks and he responds, "It was amazing, but you'll never make it again, anyway..."  In an effort to be better about remembering things I've made, I am going to start sharing some of them online.  Feel free to make them yourself or share them with your friends if you like them.  The recipe titles are silly, mostly because I'm not good at coming up with clever names and I use phrases that people use to describe my food.

Enjoy my first blogged recipe:

Chicken Soup of Deliciousness

(similar to the Olive Garden’s Zuppa)

Kimberly Murray

*The measurements below are merely estimates, as I rarely use a recipe or measure anything while cooking.

**This is a large recipe.  You will want to cut it in half for a smaller batch.

Cook Time: 4-6 hours

Yields: 10-12 servings

Prepare the Chicken:

4 chicken breasts

black pepper, smoked paprika

1 box of chicken stock (not broth)

¼-½ bottle of Olive Garden dressing

half of a sweet onion, diced

green onions, chopped (only the white portion)

finely chopped spinach

Place the chicken breasts in a large crock pot, add chicken stock, cover the top of the chicken with a thick layer of black pepper and smoked paprika.  Carefully pour Olive Garden dressing over top of the chicken.  Cover chicken with spinach.  Add onions to stock.  Cook in the crock pot until the chicken is easy to break apart.  Put the chicken on a cutting board and either shred it or cut it into bite-size pieces.  Place chicken back into crock pot and add the remaining ingredients.

Soup:

quartered and sliced Idaho potatoes (you will need more than you think)

finely chopped mushrooms

leaves from 4 stems of kale (remove the stem from the kale before adding it)

1 box of chicken stock

3 cups Hansen’s heavy whipping cream

3 cups Hansen’s skim milk
1 cup Kraft Italian five cheese shredded cheese
1/2 cup grated fresh Parmesan cheese

smoked paprika

black pepper

basil

oregano

Allow all ingredients to cook in the crock pot until the desired consistency.  Next time I make this, I will probably wait to add the kale until the soup is almost finished.  I will also add more smoked paprika.

The ingredients from Hansen’s are available at their outlet stores (they take cash only).  The Olive Garden salad dressing is available at the restaurant.

Are you aware?

I've been noticing a lot more than usual lately that there are a lot of ungrateful parents out there...

I know, I know... "Really?  Did that just dawn on you?"

No, actually, it didn't.  There are just times in life when things are brought to the forefront of our thoughts and this is one of those times...

I've heard a lot of people complaining about their kids lately.  I've heard terrible stories of how people abuse their kids.  I've heard a lot of people even saying that they don't enjoy having kids or that they aren't sure that they even want their kids.  I wonder to myself, "Do they hear themselves?  I wonder if they comprehend the power of the statements they are making..."

I also think to myself, "I'd trade places in a heartbeat."

Now, I need you to understand that I am content with my life right now.  I am so blessed and my basic needs are taken care of.  I really have nothing to complain about.

However, when I hear you say those things... well,

this is what is happening in my heart... 

I want to be a mother.

I'd give anything to be a mother.

I will take your "brats" and raise them.

I will gladly trade you for the morning sickness and the weight gain.

I will open up my home to your child so that they feel loved and safe.

You are so blessed and you don't even see it!

God, open their eyes!

That is how I feel.  I've sat silently, mostly due to the fact that I don't know what to say to these people.  They've made me speechless.  They are blessed beyond measure and it still isn't enough for them.  They hate the things that God has given them!  How selfish!  How foolish!  Why?!?!

If you find yourself making some of these statements, please think about what you are really saying.  And if you really feel that way, realize that there are women in your life that remain silent most of the time because they don't know what to say to you.  Some have tried for years to be mothers... and some never will be...  You aren't the only person in your world.  There are people around you that are deeply impacted by the way you live your life and the things that you say.  Please be aware of that.

Sometimes I wonder...

We attended a wedding awhile back that made me wonder a few things about people that call themselves pastors.  I know, huge can of worms, here we go...

Throughout the course of the weekend, Austin and I observed many men, fresh out of seminary that were doing "godly" things.  They were talking the talk, they were dressing the part, but that was about it.  As the weekend charged on, we found ourselves in the midst of conversations with these men, conversations that made us sick to our stomachs.  They were talking about how they took advantage of families during their internships.  They would visit an elderly couples' home to bring them communion and pray for them, but they would plan it around the time that the couple would probably be having supper, so that they got a free meal.  They continued to list other ways in which they took advantage of the congregations that they were serving while in seminary.

They all had acquired their own congregations a short time before the wedding, and they were complaining about how people would call them by their first name, instead of attaching the title "pastor" to it.  They ranted and raved about why people refused to call them Pastor or still thought they were seminary students.  They went on and on about how they were important and deserved great respect.

The night got even more interesting when the beer was in full swing.  I have no qualms about having a drink here and there.  I do, however, have a more difficult time having a drink when their are children present and I do have a huge problem with adults being drunk, especially in front of kids.  Well, at this wedding reception, these pastors proceeded to get sloshed.  One of them got a child to be his own personal bartender.  The kid was probably only 7 years old at the very most, but he would take the empty cup of the pastor and fill it to the top... until it was empty, then he'd do it again.  This particular child had a lisp and had a very hard time saying certain words.  The young pastors got him to repeat words after them that he was having trouble saying, over and over.  I remembered looking to Austin and saying out loud,"This is so terrible.  This child will remember this forever, while these drunk idiots won't remember this tomorrow."  We got up and went to another part of the reception hall and left shortly after the incident because we no longer wanted to be associated with that kind of behavior.

Since then, I've looked back on that situation quite a few times, and I can't shake it.  I can't shake the hurt that the poor little boy had on his face.  I can't shake the image of these men, these men who are leaders of their own congregations.  These men are responsible for hundreds, maybe thousands of people that may or may not be going to hell.  These men are responsible to the Gospel.  These men are most of all responsible to God.

As hard as it was to watch, I sometimes wonder what my life is saying to other people.  I may not go around and get sloshed and disrespect the name of Jesus in such a blatant way, but what am I doing that I need to stop today?  Are my actions getting in the way of the Jesus people should see in me?  Are my words representing a different kind of god?  Am I holding on to things that are causing others to stumble, especially those who look to me for guidance?

Search me, God, and know my heart;

test me and know my anxious thoughts.

See if there is any offensive way in me,

and lead me in the way everlasting.

Psalm 139:23-24

My prayer today is:  if you are struggling with something that is causing others to stumble, that you'll take some time to confess it to God in this moment.  You may not think that there is something as disgraceful as what these men did that night, but if we are all honest with ourselves, we may discover that we are in worse shape.

God forgive me for causing others to stumble.  Order my steps in Your Word, Lord.  Guide me so that I may guide others.  Forgive me, so that I may forgive others.  Live in me, so that I may live for You.

Something Greater

How do you know what's going on with me?
You point fingers, you shout at me
Without foundation,
Without knowledge.

How do you know what's going on inside?
You have no clue, you're filled with pride.
Hard to take with salt.
Of course, it's not your fault.

How do you claim to know me?
When you are too busy, too busy to see
How I'm living.
How I'm giving my life--to something Greater.

To Someone greater, to something bigger,
To something that we can't begin
To figure out within our human doubt.

To Someone gentle, to something larger,
To something that is taking over me.
Is He taking over you?
Are you allowing Him to?

He is taking over me, is He taking over you?
He is digging deep in me, is He digging deep in you?

I want to live for Someone greater, for something bigger,
For something that we can't begin
To figure out within our human doubt.

For Someone gentle, for something larger,
For something that is taking over me.

Is He taking over you?
Are you allowing Him to?

God is still good.

If you know me, you know that I'll give you an honest answer when you ask how I am doing.  Not just a quick short answer most of the time, but a brutal, honest answer.  Sometimes I wonder if you really want to know, but I answer anyway.  If you are reading this, you may have picked up over the last couple of months that my job has been tough.  I've been thrown under the bus a few times.  I haven't been supported for success by the administration.  It's just been a bad situation all around.  If you know me, you also may know that I don't quit, EVER unless I have something else lined up.  I tend to like to know what is coming next.  I plan my life out to the last detail.  I like to be in control.  I like to be responsible.

When things are out of control, it's really easy to doubt what God is doing.  Come on, you know what I'm talking about.  Let's not pretend.  It's really easy to praise God when things rock and you can't imagine being happier.  It's really difficult sometimes to just trust that everything is really going to be okay when things are really bad.

So, I quit my job today.  Yes, I quit.  I can't hardly believe it now... but I quit.  I did it.  It is weird.  Anyway, I also cried a lot today.  Partly because some things that are going on at work are really unfair.  I might be dealing with some legal issues in the near future which makes things a little scary.  I also cried because I'm going to miss the kids.  Most of the crying was because I was really uncertain with what was going to happen next.

Then, I had a moment when I thought to myself, "Hey, crybaby, stop it!  Listen, God has always provided for you in the past, right?  Why are you crying?"  I realized at that moment that I needed to cut it out.  I know that realistically, I'll probably cry some more when I say my goodbyes to the kids on Wednesday and I'll cry out of frustration with the whole mess, but I won't cry anymore about whether or not we are going to be taken care of.  Not an option.  It's off the table.

I can look back and reflect on the past and see so many places where God has provided for me when I didn't know where the next provision would come from.  When I started living on my own, God provided a place for me to stay.  When I didn't always have enough money for groceries, a meal would practically fall out of the sky.  When we wanted (not needed) to buy a house, we walked right into a super steal.  When we left a ministry that was very near and dear to us, but painful at the same time, He gave us a new church family to do life with.  At the time, He also gave me a full-time job that seemed to just fall into my lap.  When Austin's car kicked the bucket, He provided a nicer car than we were looking for within our price range.

I am choosing to look ahead and focus on what is true and what is real.  God is real.  God is good.  He will always be good even if things around me are not.  He will always have a plan even if the next steps are invisible to me.  My prayer is that I'll see the unseen more clearly and that through my life others will see that God is still good no matter how bad things are.

Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.--James 1:17

My life will change, my circumstances will change, but God never changes.  He is always the same and I can count on Him to provide for me as I need it.  His desires for my life are perfect.

 God is still good, even in the midst of the tears.